Tuesday, April 27, 2010

The Purple Manifesto

When elected we shall –

Disband the Forestry Commission and form –

- Woodfuel UK, to promote the sensible use of wood and woods.

- Salix UK, to promote sallow in the landscape throughout lowland Britain, backed by a properly funded version of Forest Research.

All non-native conifers and other arboreal riff-raff to be removed within 25 years.

Felling of sallow trees made a capital offence.

Provide state funding for Butterfly Conservation to carry out research, survey and monitoring, and oversee the development of shrimp paste and other baits for iris.

Abolition of alpacas and llamas, and serious rationalisation of the horsy industry.

Spray all grey squirrels red.

Use of the word ‘biodiversity’ to become a capital offence.

CRoW Act amended to include right of access to all woodland (apart from <15 days during the period 1st October to 31st January), and all fields (margins if arable).

No agricultural field to be larger than 15 acres, with broad headlands, hedges, scrub (+ Salix) belts and plenty of woodland.

All sheep to be excluded from limestone grassland between 1st March and 1st September. Rogue sheep loose on this habitat during this period, or observed ‘worrying’ the Duke of Burgundy Fritillary in any other manner, to be shot on sight.

Horse boxes and caravans permitted to travel only between 10pm and 6am.

All white vans to be painted effeminate pink and banned from outside lanes.

Speed limits reduced to 60mph on motorways and dual carriageways, 50mph on A roads, 40mph on B roads and 30 elsewhere, or 20mph in any residential area. To save fuel, reduce noise and reduce buffeting.

Road verges to be managed for nature (hence reducing buffeting).

Two days per month (rising to four) free of traffic, lawnmowers, chainsaws, clay pigeon shooting etc and aircraft (emergency vehicles only).

Purple Emperor to be established as England’s national emblem, attended by his attendant lord, His Grace the Duke of Burgundy Fritillary.

Salix caprea to be established as England’s national tree.

6 week national holiday from Midsummer Day to 1st August. Clothing optional during this period.

Purple Flag to fly at entrances to all Purple Emperor sites, and from all public buildings etc during this period.

National One Sock Day, 1st July.

Ministries of Happiness and Beauty to be created.

Live test cricket reinstated to BBC TV, and Test Match Special broadcast in public places.

Entomological trade fairs abolished.

Chardonnay grape outlawed.

Not more than 2 non-UK passport holders per football, rugby and county cricket team.

End to targets, monitoring and reporting systems.

End to Organisational Restructuring Disease (change management programmes).

Ban taxonomy and taxonomic name changes.

Health Service
End of government interference.

HM The Queen, all living Prime ministers, the Archbishop of Canterbury and The Pope to apologise publicly for the 20th century boarding school system.

Return of nature table, old fashioned geography and The Classics, to include Roman Studies and Greek studies. Abolition of French, poetry and compulsory subjects.

New degree courses in promiscuity, drunkenness, etc, along Roman principles.

Reinstatement of student grant system.

No other government intervention.

How will we fund this?
Immediate withdrawal of British troops from Afghanistan, Iraq etc, and firm commitment against further interventions.

Prat Tax on all material nonsense goods such as jet skis (large) and fingernail extensions (small).

50% income tax from £60,000-£100,000, thereafter 75%. Bankers and Chief Exec bonuses to be taxed at 75%.

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